When the Accusing Finger Points at us . . .
Other people, just like ourselves, are susceptible to believing lies about themselves and God’s truth. Most of us don’t like to feel guilty when we’ve done something wrong. Our natural human tendency is to blame others. Pointing out someone else’s faults somehow makes ours seem more acceptable. We may reason, “I’m not so bad, look at him/her . . .”
By focusing on someone else, instead of ourself, we can . . .
- Dull our pain
- Shift the blame
- Deny our situation
- Minimize our actions
- Lie to ourself and others
We have often heard it said, “We hurt those who love us the most and are the closest to us.” Sadly, this is often the case. I love the example the bible gives us in Matthew 7. God knew the obstacles we would face in relationships with others. He also knew the dangers. He tried to warn us ahead of time. Listen to what He has to say . . .
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)
When blame happens between a husband and wife, it can be especially hurtful and confusing. In The Healing Choice: How to Move Beyond Betrayal by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen, the authors state, “If this happens to you, you have heard hurtful statements from your [spouse] about how you DON’T MEASURE UP. Some blame is blatant and some blame is subtle. These remarks can create devastating feelings of INADEQUACY that leave you questioning yourself. If left unexamined, these feelings can sidetrack you into focusing on your [spouses] list of YOUR shortcomings and distract you from identifying the real problem. You must bring [their] accusations under the “light” of God’s Word (TRUTH) and what He says about you.”
The Choice is Ours!
We cannot control the choices of another person — including our spouse. We cannot force, manipulate, or control their behavior. Even when they make bad choices, and those choices affect us — we can only control our own choices. We can only control ourSELF.
It is true that we reap the consequences of our own choices, either good or bad. But it is also true that we reap the consequences of other people’s choices, either good or bad. Their choices AFFECT us. It’s not fair. It’s not right. But it is true.
How does that make you feel….?
- weak and vulnerable
- out of control
- emotionally shut down (too much to handle)
- distract yourself with things to do
- stay busy so that you don’t have to think about it
- go to sleep and hope you feel better when you awake
- feeling frantic
- “feeding frenzy” (cravings)
- anything to numb the pain
- no matter what you do, you cannot hold it all together
- deep sorrow
- inner turmoil